As of late we've been wondering what it is that makes a good man. As per usual we've basically just taken our inspiration from Rocky Balboa, as most young men and out of shape Italian Americans do. Is it because of his iron will, his personal strength or his refusal to back down in the face of adversity that we admire him so?
No.
If the Italian Stallion taught us anything, it's how to put up with having a monumental cock knocker in your life, something we all must suffer.
We're big fans of the Rocky films (excluding Rocky V. Seriously, what the fuck was that?) and some of us have been re-watching them as of late, and we couldn't help notice that Rocky's asshole of a brother in law Paulie might be one of the shittiest fictional people to have ever existed. Here is a list of his shittiest moments.
ROCKY I- Calls his sister a freak for taking care of his fat ass, ruins her Thanksgiving roast, forces her on a date then threatens her with a baseball bat and smashes up the house at Christmas time. He then forces Rocky to do some bullshit t.v. interview and keeps all the money for himself. Prick.
ROCKY II- Acts like a prick to everyone in general some more, then yells at his pregnant sister and sends her into premature labour. She goes into a coma, which obviously fucks up Rocky's training. Never apologises. Monumental prick.
ROCKY III- Gets smashed and does some vandalism and makes Rocky bail him out of jail. Then calls Rocky an asshole for not giving him a job or moving him into his house. Throws an expensive rolex away then demands another one. Acts pretty racist throughout the whole movie, tells Rocky he's a shit boxer several times and rags on Apollo Creed. Gets knocked the fuck out by Hulk Hogan though, which is a plus.
ROCKY IV- Bitches about Rocky not giving him a car for free. Pisses and moans about being in Russia despite not being invited at any point, then makes Rocky pull him on a sled (supposedly for training but we have our doubts). Makes a heartfelt speech to Rocky about how he's a top bloke then takes it all back about 5 minutes later. Probably acts more racist off camera. Also we think he may have had sex with a robot. For reals. Watch the film. He totally bones a robot.
ROCKY V- We're ignoring this film.
ROCKY BALBOA- Rags on Rocky for having a dead wife. Hangs around Rocky like a leech some more and does some shitty painitings. Yeah, seriously, he actually rags on Rocky for his wife being dead. Even though it's his sister. He also says ice is shit. Why's he hating on ice? Only pricks hate ice.
It's pretty safe to say that even the guests on Jeremy Kyle would struggle to reach this level of irritating prickishness. We can only hope that they make Rocky 7, which would just be Rocky finally losing his rag and savagely beating Paulie for an hour and a half. While Hearts on Fire plays of course. It's the best song in the entire Rocky soundtrack, including Eye of the Tiger.
Congrats Paulie, you're the first official Prick Of The Litter.
Now dear reader, enjoy some classic 80s tuneage. Play it while you're running up a mountain and not acting like a prick.
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