There was something we discovered in the month of March that genuinely turned our stomachs more than one of Badger's Nutella and tuna mayo sandwich concoctions. This something was a brand new dating show called The Love Machine.
Now we're not exactly fans of any of those bullshit reality/dating programs that are exclusively designed for young single women alone on a Friday night listening to Adele and stuffing themselves with Galaxy because "It's too classy a chocolate to be fattening." In fact, they suck ass. There's something about those shows that just inexplicably causes us to harbor some sort of resentment towards them. Not unlike Adele or Galaxy chocolate.
The Love Machine, however is a whole other level of shit that seems designed to aggravate beyond all reason.
Firstly this show has given Chris "I talk all the time instead of playing songs on my MUSIC BASED radio show and I'm not very funny" Moyles another public platform. He's essentially the worst imaginable combination of Peter Kay's shittest possible side and that old relative you have who always tells you a joke about a horse in a bar that ends with "Why the long face? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Christ I'm funny! Aren't I funny? Where are you going? Come back! I'm HILARIOUS DAMMIT!"
There's also some painfully irritating bird who was apparently on Crap-Factor. No idea who she is or why she's on t.v. but they gave her a digital whiteboard and it's like watching that bit in the new Planet of the Apes where the monkey is just learning to write in his own faeces. In fact, if you play the two side by side it's a struggle to tell the difference.
Then there's the concept of the show itself. There's a big ass wheel filled with 90% twats and 10% freaks. Someone comes on, goes round the wheel, has ludicrously high standards, then picks some c**t in a pair of chinos who forgot to wear socks (Another thing that pisses us off. And yes, we censored the C word, we need to draw the line somewhere). They answer some borderline retarded questions about something no one cares about, then go on a shit date. At the end they either kiss or they don't. It's as close to real dating as you get...apparently...
The long and short of it is that it's some sort of dating Russian Roulette that's a combination of dull and irritating so severe that it makes you want to play actual Russian Roulette and lose deliberately. It's got a machine in it, but it's literally impossible to love. However, if you like wearing chinos and v-necks and you think Apple Sourz are a shot you'll probably love it, you terrible, terrible human being.
Now to play us out here's the theme tune to Blind Date, a shining example of the way dating shows should be. (Looking back, the intro is like some post apocalyptic rave tune. Freaky.)
RILF
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