Tuck your nuts and brace. And fetch your summer hats.

With summer fast approaching we've got a hell of a lot to do. 

If you recall, at the start of 2012 we made a lot of promises. In fact, probably too many. Actually, we think there were only two or three made, but we're really unreliable when it comes to stuff like that. So it may come as a surprise that we're actually fulfilling at least one of them. As per our mission statement type thing, we're heading into the great wide world of recording. We know you've probably had enough of those goddamn demos of Fragile and Worse for Wear, or, if you're really retro, the horrendousness that was Sleep Talk (that will be the last time we speak of that song...). So, mostly for our benefit, but also to give you guys a little something that's new, we plan to head to a studio soon-ish and get a few of our gnarliest tracks down. We'll probably be recording our newest stuff which some of you may not have heard, so it should be a pretty rad experience for everyone involved (that includes you!).

We also made a pledge to play more gigs over the summer. Now since University will be out till September for some of us and exams and shit are over for the rest, we also intend (hopefully) to fulfill that promise too, all the while flogging/giving away whatever we get recorded to you, the wonderful fans. We already had one kick ass gig in Undertone with the lovely Fjords, as you can see below, and there'll be more to come. The first of these will be at Gwdihw in Cardiff on the 22nd of May with the local badasses that are FRAMES. If you haven't already guaranteed your attendance on the arbitrary facebook event page, then do it now. DO IT! Here's the poster, and here be the event.

We can at least guarantee that within the next few weeks we'll be putting a new track; Redrum, out for you folks that we managed to get done recently and that some of you maybe haven't heard yet (that's if you haven't come to any of our gigs since before October. And if you haven't, then seriously, what are you doing with your lives?). As per usual it's a banger so look forward to that one.

So all in all the next few months should be pretty big for us and hopefully for you too. We look forward to presenting you with our usual barrage of insanely loud riffage and more shirtless Badger than you can shake a restraining order at (again, see below).

As always, hugs and kisses to you all. Even the ugliest of you. That's how we roll.

RILF

This month's Prick of the Litter: The Love Machine

There was something we discovered in the month of March that genuinely turned our stomachs more than one of Badger's Nutella and tuna mayo sandwich concoctions. This something was a brand new dating show called The Love Machine. 

Now we're not exactly fans of any of those bullshit reality/dating programs that are exclusively designed for young single women alone on a Friday night listening to Adele and stuffing themselves with Galaxy because "It's too classy a chocolate to be fattening." In fact, they suck ass. There's something about those shows that just inexplicably causes us to harbor some sort of resentment towards them. Not unlike Adele or Galaxy chocolate. 

The Love Machine, however is a whole other level of shit that seems designed to aggravate beyond all reason.  

Firstly this show has given Chris "I talk all the time instead of playing songs on my MUSIC BASED radio show and I'm not very funny" Moyles another public platform. He's essentially the worst imaginable combination of Peter Kay's shittest possible side and that old relative you have who always tells you a joke about a horse in a bar that ends with "Why the long face? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Christ I'm funny! Aren't I funny? Where are you going? Come back! I'm HILARIOUS DAMMIT!" 

There's also some painfully irritating bird who was apparently on Crap-Factor. No idea who she is or why she's on t.v. but they gave her a digital whiteboard and it's like watching that bit in the new Planet of the Apes where the monkey is just learning to write in his own faeces. In fact, if you play the two side by side it's a struggle to tell the difference. 

Then there's the concept of the show itself. There's a big ass wheel filled with 90% twats and 10% freaks. Someone comes on, goes round the wheel, has ludicrously high standards, then picks some c**t in a pair of chinos who forgot to wear socks (Another thing that pisses us off. And yes, we censored the C word, we need to draw the line somewhere). They answer some borderline retarded questions about something no one cares about, then go on a shit date. At the end they either kiss or they don't. It's as close to real dating as you get...apparently...

The long and short of it is that it's some sort of dating Russian Roulette that's a combination of dull and irritating so severe that it makes you want to play actual Russian Roulette and lose deliberately. It's got a machine in it, but it's literally impossible to love. However, if you like wearing chinos and v-necks and you think Apple Sourz are a shot you'll probably love it, you terrible, terrible human being.

Now to play us out here's the theme tune to Blind Date, a shining example of the way dating shows should be. (Looking back, the intro is like some post apocalyptic rave tune. Freaky.)

Cilla Black 4 EVA.

RILF

Revenge of the liver/ Return of the Tom/ Retardation of the Badger.

Well folks, that's it.

We're now officially into the year 2012. The transitional period of January has come and gone and we're stuck deep in the monotony of the real part of the year. You know, that part where you can't say "Ah, but I'm still getting back into the routine."

Bollocks. You're just lazy. And we love that. After all, if Napoleon had been a bit more lazy we wouldn't have had a war with the French, we'd have better relations with our European cousins and French bread would be the only bread eaten everywhere, because let's face it, it's the best.

On the subject of tiny and somewhat mentally unstable dictators, it's a big day for Atkins. His month of sobriety is now officially up. (He actually caved around January 20th, but let's gloss over that for dramatic effect.) Yep, big (HAHAHA) poppa Atkins is back on the sauce.

"What does that matter?" We hear you cry. "Surely this cannot have much of an impact on my life."

WRONG BITCHES!

What this means is that we now officially have our 'pace car' back. We've now regained what we like to call Classic Tom. In short ladies and gents, we've got our winning formula back to the way it should be. January has been a somewhat lack luster month for us. Creative juices have not been flowing, gigs not coming in thick and fast and we foolishly let Badger play Tom's guitar which put it out of action for a while. Of course, every band goes through such periods. Hell, even Lou Bega had a rough time before Mambo Number 5 came along. But rather than admit we're like everyone else and are prone to bouts of anything less than creative genius, we'll just blame it on Tom and his poncey sobriety.

But worry not folks, with Tom now rocking a collection of bottles of our good friend Mr. J. Daniels, Theo's magic riffing fingers, Booker's fierce stamina and focus on the drums, Eddy baby's gut punching bass and Badger's unique ability to remove his shirt, WE'RE FUCKING BACK!

We're going to be taking it easy for the rest of winter. We're going to do a little writing, allow Tom's body to readjust to his near lethal levels of intoxication and wait for Dale's blisters to heal up (FYI, you'd think they'd be from drumming. They're not. Don't ask...). But you can expect to see us back in the spring, returning from the cold to embrace the warmth. Like deer, daffodils and outdoor orgies.

Expect some shows from March onwards. We may even be heading across the border to rock the English. We'll see what we can muster up for you wonderful people. Enjoy the rest of winter and wait eagerly for this month's Prick Of The Litter.

For now, here's that Lou Bega we all know and love: MOTHERFUCKIN' MAMBO BABY

Muchos love people.

RILF

This month's Prick Of The Litter: Paulie from Rocky

As of late we've been wondering what it is that makes a good man. As per usual we've basically just taken our inspiration from Rocky Balboa, as most young men and out of shape Italian Americans do. Is it because of his iron will, his personal strength or his refusal to back down in the face of adversity that we admire him so?

No.

If the Italian Stallion taught us anything, it's how to put up with having a monumental cock knocker in your life, something we all must suffer.

We're big fans of the Rocky films (excluding Rocky V. Seriously, what the fuck was that?) and some of us have been re-watching them as of late, and we couldn't help notice that Rocky's asshole of a brother in law Paulie might be one of the shittiest fictional people to have ever existed. Here is a list of his shittiest moments.

ROCKY I- Calls his sister a freak for taking care of his fat ass, ruins her Thanksgiving roast, forces her on a date then threatens her with a baseball bat and smashes up the house at Christmas time. He then forces Rocky to do some bullshit t.v. interview and keeps all the money for himself. Prick.

ROCKY II- Acts like a prick to everyone in general some more, then yells at his pregnant sister and sends her into premature labour. She goes into a coma, which obviously fucks up Rocky's training. Never apologises. Monumental prick.

ROCKY III- Gets smashed and does some vandalism and makes Rocky bail him out of jail. Then calls Rocky an asshole for not giving him a job or moving him into his house. Throws an expensive rolex away then demands another one. Acts pretty racist throughout the whole movie, tells Rocky he's a shit boxer several times and rags on Apollo Creed. Gets knocked the fuck out by Hulk Hogan though, which is a plus.

ROCKY IV- Bitches about Rocky not giving him a car for free. Pisses and moans about being in Russia despite not being invited at any point, then makes Rocky pull him on a sled (supposedly for training but we have our doubts). Makes a heartfelt speech to Rocky about how he's a top bloke then takes it all back about 5 minutes later. Probably acts more racist off camera. Also we think he may have had sex with a robot. For reals. Watch the film. He totally bones a robot.

ROCKY V- We're ignoring this film.

ROCKY BALBOA- Rags on Rocky for having a dead wife. Hangs around Rocky like a leech some more and does some shitty painitings. Yeah, seriously, he actually rags on Rocky for his wife being dead. Even though it's his sister. He also says ice is shit. Why's he hating on ice? Only pricks hate ice.

It's pretty safe to say that even the guests on Jeremy Kyle would struggle to reach this level of irritating prickishness. We can only hope that they make Rocky 7, which would just be Rocky finally losing his rag and savagely beating Paulie for an hour and a half. While Hearts on Fire plays of course. It's the best song in the entire Rocky soundtrack, including Eye of the Tiger.

Congrats Paulie, you're the first official Prick Of The Litter.

Now dear reader, enjoy some classic 80s tuneage. Play it while you're running up a mountain and not acting like a prick.

HEARTS ON FIRE BITCH!

Let's sum up 2011. Actually, fuck it, we can't remember that much of it.

So we've made it to 2012 and we're still alive. Some of us just barely (Atkins), but we're still all going and that's just grand. All in all 2011 was a good year. Many gigs all over Cardiff, our highlights being one particularly RILFing show in Undertone with Kill Cassidy and Hello Lazarus that kicked all kinds of ass, and the indescribably joyful experience of playing with Hold Your Horse Is in Buffalo. Also we got to see both Ed and Tom wearing sleeveless tops at different times. Fucking hilarious. There may also have been a couple of haircuts, who knows.
We also managed to get a couple of demos recorded so listen to them. Now. Yes now. Don't worry this will be here when you get back. It'll keep. Go on, listen now. http://soundcloud.com/raphaelites
Good shit right? And that's just the demo.
But as with all things we're looking onwards, upwards, forwards. Generally we're looking ahead. And we intend 2012 to be a banger. In fact we've already got a couple of gigs lined up right at the end of January and right at the start of February. And here's the kicker.
Since the end of the world is apparently fast approaching (utter bollocks, by the way) we've decided it's time to kick it into high gear, lest our intermittent bouts of effort mean nothing by the time the apocolypse rolls around.
SO.
Our plan is to finally have that pesky EP we've been working on ready for you this year. We won't put an exact date on it and the title may change, but it will, repeat, WILL be coming out this year. We know it's been a long time coming but we think we may have at long last got the right track listing and all that nonsense.
Couple that good news with the fact that we intend to be playing a load more gigs, particularly in the summer, and you've got yourself a recipe for a year jam packed full of RILF.
But we promise no more sleeveless tops. Honest. They're just wrong. Unless it's a vest and you're John McClain.